When you hear on repeat ‘why didn’t you’ and ‘why don’t you just’ questions. Constantly going over in your own head questioning yourself about about how easy things are to do. Why doesn’t anyone understand that it isn’t that easy after all.
‘Why didn’t you see what was happening years ago?’ Well I did, I didn’t mean to ignore it or push it aside. I genuinely didn’t think it was anything that bad. Why would I? There were many more important things to worry about. Things that were way more stressful that were happening at the time. Something as silly as this was the least of my concerns.
Who was I to decide it was wrong anyway, it wasn’t my place, it wasn’t my decision. Who was I to even consider taken my newborn away from his family, our first baby. We had our own family now, I could fix it, this was our missing puzzle piece, it could only get better. This was every girls dream after all, the Prince who swept me of my feet, our own baby. The home and a life of our own. I would have been stupid to throw that away, wouldn’t I?
‘Why didn’t you leave sooner?’ The amount of times I said we are leaving can’t be counted, there are too many. Every time it was said, well, things got better, there was a glimmer of happiness, of peace and calm. When I did eventually leave, what can I say. It was torture. Each time got harder and harder. I was killing him, it was destroying the family, I wouldn’t cope, I was making things worse.
The begging for forgiveness, the asking for another chance, the demands for fairness, for being treated equal to others. Every possible suggestion for another chance asked, every opportunity to beg, plead, grovel. The only peace was to accept it and try again.
When I am so tired of leaning on people for help, I look in mirror and stare blankly into the reflection. ‘Why can’t you just be happy?’ I tell myself repeatedly, till this day I still don’t have an answer. Feeling like a complete burden I pick myself up and carry on, putting a broken mask on hoping it won’t crack as another day moves in. Making sure the smile sits just right, saying the right words and locking the tears away until night falls and the doors are locked.
‘You can’t give up’
‘Stop looking backwards, you have to look forwards’
If all this sounds all so familiar, I hear you. You are not alone. These confusing feelings, emotions are all too real at times, and can be so overwhelming. Please remember it is ok slow down. Take things at your pace. No one knows how ready we are to take the next step other than ourselves, so don’t run ahead if you’re not ready. People will understand, and if that next step seems to far ahead, take half a step. Stay focused enough in front if you can. That would be amazing though.
The cracks on the mask heal, it’s true what they say when they say time heals. Time doesn’t take away memories. Looking forwards helps, it keeps the focus in the right direction. Asking ‘why didn’t you leave sooner’ is the most pointless question to ask anyone who has left a difficult situation. Ask them ‘what gave you the strength the leave then?’ You’ll get a much better answer.
Like anything that is healing, it takes time. When we break a bone we get a cast put on it to keep it stable, or we end up with stitches to help a wound heal. When it’s our emotions and mind that need healing we need time, and friends for support, to hold the edges together long enough to stop them falling apart.
This support is the hardest to ask for, but the moment it’s in place the strength, courage, ability to stand strong grows immensely. So when you think you are on your own, think about how you will support yourself and what you need. What can be done to help get that ‘plaster cast’ around you to help you get stronger.
It isn’t easy, but you can do it. We all can with belief and hope.