We are 2 months live!

Hello everyone.

It has been a busy few weeks, as you have seen by some of my posts on my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter pages I have been writing lots of little quotes and phrases.  I have been enjoying doing these, sharing the little phrases that have been helping me through the difficult days, or even the good days when I think its just all too good to be true! (we all get moments like that right?)

I have started to have some virtual conversations with some amazing people who are running pages over on Instagram, these people are posting positivity quotes, promoting healthy self-care tips, and wanting to share their own experiences of managing their own wellbeing during difficult times.  Many of these pages are run by individuals, and I couldn’t help but wonder what their story behind their page is?  So, I asked, like I do.  Sometimes.  Actually, to be fair it took a lot to send those first few messages, but I did, and I am so glad I did. 

When I get an idea, I think things over, and I keep thinking until I convince myself it isn’t going to work.  Some of the brilliant people I have been talking to over the last year have been helping me to have the confidence to follow my dreams, and to aim for my best hopes.  So that’s what I did.  (I need to write about their impact on the path my life has taken, and how much it has changed.  See another idea!!!!!)  As a result of this I have spoken to some of the kindest people, who like me, want to share kindness, empower others to have hope, and encourage people to never give up.

My hope is to be able to create a safe place online, using Butterflies with Rainbows to accumulate these interviews so that everyone can see these accounts, why they were created without having to go trawling through the internet.  To boost mood, self-confidence, encouraging people to be proud of themselves, and their achievements.

Now there are hundreds of people sharing their experiences out there and I am only one person, so this will grow over time, but it will be fun to watch it grow, and exciting to carry on meeting (virtually of course) all the new people from all over the world.

Other news – I think there will be a small number of items available soon from the Butterflies with Rainbows store.  I think I am going to be using Etsy for the time being anyway, if anyone has any suggestions PLEASE contact me.  These will include postcards (using the quotes which have been written by ME), letters of hope, plus more.  Over time content will increase, but it’s still early days.

Finally – One of my other Rainbows came home, That’s 3 of them home.  One more to go!  I can’t tell you how good this is.  There will be more on this VERY SOON!!!!!!

So, as we creep up to Butterflies with Rainbows being live for 2 months, I can honestly say it has been an amazing whirlwind, and so exciting.  To read the messages from people, they are truly touching, and I love every single one.  I am excited for what the future holds and look forward to sharing the journey with everyone.

Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

Black Holes

Photo by Anthony DeRosa on Pexels.com

Black holes are scary.  They are a phenomenon.  Like many things that scare us, they are something that we don’t really know much about. 

What is it though about them that makes them so scary?  Is it the thought of them?  Is it the image of them?  Or is it simply the fact they are not something that we can physically see on a daily basis?

A black hole!  Let’s break it down.   A dark space, this can be anything.  A physical space, a mental space, an image, something metaphorical.  It doesn’t really matter, because to you it is real.  Black, why does this make it so much scarier?  Black is darkness, no light at all.  Leaves us blinded, with no guidance, it’s an empty space.

So, this black hole that we are so afraid of, this mass of space, with no lights, no sense of direction, constantly leaving us feeling lost and empty.  Regardless of the direction we turn, or face every view and perspective is the same.  Or is it?

The thing with looking at a black hole, is this.  The one time we all decide to realise how frightened we are of them is the one time we are staring at them straight in the eye.  When we are glaring straight into the middle of it.  Now if we were to look into the middle of a hole and turn ourselves around it is going to look huge.  The edges are going to seem so far away, much further than we can ever dream of reaching.  The distance regardless of the direction we look never appears any better, or closer.  Just seems to get further and further away.  It is overwhelming, and naturally when it feels like the walls are closing in on us, we go into protective mode.  For some people this can mean making ourselves smaller, curling up, protecting our minds physically with our arms and hands, protecting our hearts by folding our legs up to our chests.  Does this help with the size of that black hole?  Does it make it seem any smaller?  Does it make it feel like its even bigger?  Darker and even deeper than ever?

The phrase ‘black hole’ insinuates that to have gotten into it we have to have fallen.  Or travelled through something to end up where we are at the present moment.  What do you think about this?  This is a tricky one isn’t it?  What if it wasn’t a hole?  What if this was in actual fact just a black spot, or a black circle?  Something that we happened to stroll across one day, no falling involved, no impressive spinning or tumbling like we would have imagined from watching all those sci-fi movies.  It is just there, a black circle on the floor, in the air above us, on the wall infront of us blocking our view.  Would we be less scared of it? 

If there is no falling involved, and we are still on your feet, this black ‘spot’ as we will call it, is actually flat.  How different does it look?  A flat shape; standing in the middle of it is only scary if we are looking down.  Looking down we can’t see a way out, as with a deep hole, we can turn many times, every direction will always look the same. 

Here is the fun bit; if we lift our head up, what can be seen?  We may still be in the middle of this darkness, this loneliness and isolation, but the edges can be seen.  The light is there, the hope for movement, and the motivation to find a path out of the darkness can be seen.  Even if it is out of reach, it can be seen in the distance.  The distance may be far away, but it is there.  That is the advantage of darkness, even a glimmer of light can be seen.  A small little flicker, shining in the distance, will catch our eye, that little glimmer of light is called hope.  It is what will keep us going.

Regardless of the size of this black ‘space’ (I am banning the word hole) we have found a way into, there is always a way out.  Like anything if there is a way in there is always a way out.  We don’t just appear in places by magic, regardless of how amazing that would be (and I would love to quote my favourite film here but then people would realise how geeky I really am), we don’t always have a map, and (unfortunately) we cannot always rely on our phones for directions.  We have the most amazing sense of direction built into our bodies, into our brains and our guts.  Our eyes naturally notice glimmers of light, our guts will automatically tell us if somethings not right.  We have to learn to trust ourselves.  To use our eyes to look in every direction among the darkness, when the view is one direction is pure darkness, don’t give up.  Remembering we have other places to look, look up, look forward, look back at how far we have come. 

Look for that glimmer of light, that sparkle in the distance, remember that dark ‘space’ is only as deep as you allow it, looking at it from a different perspective won’t make it go away, but may mean you see that path of breadcrumbs to guide you out.  Look for that path, trust yourself and your instincts.  Hold onto that glimmer of hope and watch it grow, see it develop, and light up that damn darkness.

Hold onto that glimmer of hope and watch it grow, see it develop, and light up that darkness.

My Interview With Khadijah

On the 18th February I had the pleasure of chatting with Khadijah.  She keeps her Instagram page @journalwithkhadijah up to date with some great content.  Promoting positive mental health, general wellbeing, and there are even some delicious recipes on there.

I invited Khadijah to have a conversation with me because of the broadness of information she shares.  To begin to learn and listen to others who are promoting for positive mental health and positive wellbeing.

Khadijah is from Toronto in Canada, and her page @journalwithkhadijah was started in December 2020.

Here is how the conversation went, it was an amazing chat, and I loved (virtually) meeting her.

Thank you for agreeing to do this. I am very excited to write about other people who are spreading a positive word.

It’s such a great idea and lovely way to spread a positive message.

I kind of want you to let me know more about you, and your page.  Starting with, what inspired you to start your page?

Well, I’ve always been really passionate about mental health especially because a lot of people close to me have struggled with issues of their own. I feel like I started to get good at understanding mental health issues and the importance of bringing awareness to it- obviously, I still have so much to learn!! But I created the account as a way of advocating for general wellness and keeping me accountable for taking care of myself.

Usually, I post what I feel like I need to hear in the moment. And I feel like this account just helps me stay on track of taking care of myself.

I love that, keeping you accountable for taking care of yourself. 

That is so important.

So, with the experiences you have with those that have been close to you, has it changed your perceptions, and your views on how mental health is perceived on social media platforms?

Yes, for sure- it has made me so much more understanding and compassionate with these kinds of issues and I feel like social media & the constant conversation around mental health has helped me understand how to help my loved ones.

I hear you on that one.

Yeah, for sure! Social media is such a powerful tool for this.

So, with your page at the moment, and what you are currently doing with it, what are your best hopes for the future, with mental health perceptions and social media

Well, I hope to inspire my audience to be able to be comfortable discussing mental health/depression/anxiety. I really want to normalize things like “having a bad mental health day” for example…

The need to normalise a bad mental health day would be amazing wouldn’t it?

Also, in my country there are not a lot of resources for mental health to help people who are struggling. I really want to help out with that in some sort of way- even if it’s just using my little corner of the internet.

What are resources like there?

Here there are lots of helplines, but they are no good because it’s not trained professionals on the phone. Also access to therapy can be kind of expensive, especially for students who can’t afford it. Overall mental health resources lack a lot of funding and attention from the government/society. But it is slowly getting better as the awareness & movement increases.

So online is easy access.

In the past I’ve called helplines for my friends & they don’t really provide any advice for people who are struggling. Rather, it’s there for people in extreme crisis but there is nothing to stop people from reaching this crisis, If that makes sense.

That makes so much sense. It is similar here. A crisis line will tell you unless you are going to do some serious damage then they can’t help you.  It is a shame, because the help and intervention needs to be earlier.

Yes, exactly which is so frustrating.

So, can I ask, what keeps you motivated? what keeps you positing content, and not giving up?

Honestly, there are some days where I feel down and I might be having a bad mental health day so that’s when I create my content because I always post the things I need to hear in that moment.

Also I don’t really create my content for followers or attentions, I create it for the small amount of people that do need it and need a little boost throughout the day and that’s the thought that keeps me going with this

Posting what you need to hear.

Yeah, exactly and I think that’s what Keeps my content authentic.

It is authentic, that’s what I love about it.

Aww thank you so much 🙂

I think if it is true from the heart, it speaks volumes.

Some of the most powerful things that I have taken from this conversation that I feel are such valuable lessons to learn and share with others are “Keeping me accountable for taking care of myself” This is such a key message, to be able to recognise what will be helpful, beneficial to others but also keeping yourself grounded and in check as well. 

On speaking with Khadijah, it is clear that it doesn’t take someone with heaps of qualifications in mental health, or self-care to be able to spread the message of hope.  To share some kindness and show compassion to those around you at difficult times.  As Khadijah explained in Canada the helplines are useful for those in extreme crisis, but what about those who aren’t there.  By doing her little bit to provide encouraging words, tips and tricks that she finds helpful and useful to her followers’ people are able to develop the tools they already have, to try and manage, and hopefully prevent that crisis escalating. 

“need to normalise a bad mental health day”

 Having the hope to normalise a bad mental health day, is something that resonates a lot with me.  There remains a lot of stigma related to mental health, and needing to take a day to slow down, rest, recharge yourself.  Despite it being recognised that at times it is just needed, yet it still seems to a grey area in many places.

If you want to go along to check out @journalwithKhadijah on Instagram just click on the link.  I am sure she would love to see you over there.

This has been lovely, Come back soon to see who I am speaking to next!

“keeping me accountable for taking care of myself”

@JournalwithKhadijah
Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

Do We Need To Be So Harsh On Ourselves?

So this is a bit controversial but do you think we need to be less harsh on ourselves?  I mean in all senses!  Physically, mentally, emotionally, literally!

              There is a saying that we are our own worst critics.  How true do you think this is?  What are your own expectations of yourself compared to the expectations you have of other people around you?  Do you have higher standards for yourself?  Have you ever wondered why?  To this day I have never asked why I set myself such high standards, until recently that is.  Now I question myself why we are all so much harder on ourselves on numerous occasions.

              I can only personally vouch for females (because hey, that’s me) but I am pretty sure I speak for everyone, including men, teens, young adults, basically everyone!  DO WE NEED TO BE SO HARSH ON OURSELVES?

              I sit sometimes and wonder if my son or daughter, or a friend came up to me and repeated some of the things I tell myself I’d be horrified.  I’d be defending them, telling them they are overthinking things, and that they are perfect just the way they are.  So why is it so hard to believe it of ourselves.  What would you do if it were one of your friends or family members coming to you saying the things that you tell yourself in the mirror?  What response would you give to them?

“If you are able to find positivity and hope within yourself, and find focus on your own achievements, then it’ll be possible to encourage those around you to do the same.”

              Now I am going to pick on the girls a bit here (sorry about that) but we put ourselves through a lot.  Literally!  To be fair some of it is quite disgusting too.  If we stop for a moment and think about it, we have to deal with the upheaval of our emotions on a monthly basis (if we are lucky to get that long) with our periods and let’s not even start with the level of anxiety around that dreaded letter landing through your door for that ever anticipate (whispering) smear! So why the heck do we then beat ourselves up for spending an extra 10 minutes in the bath, or eating that extra scoop of ice cream? (cookie dough, vanilla, or strawberry cheesecake – the votes are open)

              We push ourselves to be the best we can be all the time.  Yet when we feel like we fall short of that mark we think it over and ask ourselves why didn’t we do better?  We look at all the things we didn’t finish, or we had to leave for another day.  Instead of looking at all the things we achieved, and feeling proud, telling ourselves that we actually achieved a lot today we choose to focus on the negatives.  Yet automatically we encourage those around us to stay positive.

              How often have we individually sat and mulled over a piece of work because its just not good enough, a blog post because it isn’t reading quite right (me! me! me!), sat down in the evening looking at the pile of ironing that needs to be done but just don’t have the motivation to do it.

              Yet what did you do instead?  That one piece of work may not have been completed, but the other three or four pieces were completed, or the research and the planning for it were done in preparation.  That blog post isn’t reading right, but the ideas are there, and it has a really good basis laid down.  The ironing might not be done, but for the first time the laundry basket is empty, and you are actually sitting down with a drink that you desperately deserve.  These are all amazing achievements.

              It isn’t just us girls that do this, everyone does this at some point.  What would the benefits be if we all ended the day thinking about what we have done well, looking at the things we have completed in the day, rather than the things we didn’t finish.  What differences do you think that would make?  With trying to change a mindset it can change your perspective.  There are many advantages to this.  If you are able to find positivity and hope within yourself, and find focus on your own achievements, then it’ll be possible to encourage those around you to do the same.  You will be pleasantly surprised at the impact you can have on those around you by taken a small step on your own journey.

              A change in perspective on anything can give you a different view, a bigger view, and something that looks much brighter, positive, and more hopeful.  So, if at the end of today you were to sit and ask yourselves, “what have I done today that I am proud of” how many things could you think of?  If you can only think of one small thing, that’s amazing, keep asking it every day, and you will find something daily, eventually it will get easier.  Then see if you notice how those conversations in the mirror change.  Will you continue to be so harsh on yourself? 

A New Day

Every day is a new day, a day to start with a fresh pair of eyes. I can’t even imagine how many people just rolled their eyes and thought ‘easier said than done’. It is easy to say, but let’s think about it for a while. If you started each day with the worries from yesterday who is it going to benefit? How will it help you? Most of all what will you achieve? Let’s look at life like it’s a giant jigsaw puzzle. Each hurdle, obstacle, bump in the road (come on we know I like that phrase) is a different piece of the puzzle. How we approach this puzzle, and how we tackle finding where each piece fits can show us how the days are going. One step at a time.

It is a new day, time to get working hard again and put the puzzle pieces in place one by one.

Remember if it doesn’t fit one way, turn it round till it fits. It’s the only way. Keep going, one piece at a time. Some days you may only find one piece will get put in place, other days more. Then there are days like today.

A day like today when you wake thinking ‘I’ve got this’ but then your stomach starts churning, so you sit, and breathe. In and out, in and out. At least that bit is still working. Now to check for the legs. Stand up, and the room spins, so is that the legs or the head not working? Stay sitting down and try again in five minutes. After several failed attempts you manage to crawl into another room and just lay there on the floor, breathing in an out, reminding yourself not to stop. Worried that if you don’t remind yourself to breathe you won’t do it. After what feels like an eternity of attempts to sit up and realising the room is no longer spinning you give yourself a little cheer as you begin to successfully get on with the day.

When faced with a large task there are a few important things to remember. In order to complete a puzzle you must remember to eat, only then the stomach churns more, wondering what will be safe? Bread, that should be ok surely. Let’s stick with bread. As the stomach churns more you realise over the next half an hour that bread was not a safe option.

Still turning this puzzle piece round in the grip on your fingers trying to make it fit, beginning to confirm your thoughts that this is definitely going to be a tricky one today. You don’t give in though, you know you have got to keep trying. Nothing will ever get completed if you don’t keep trying.

Standing there you look down at your outstretched hands. Just as you thought, shaking and sweating. Only now you start to question yourself on how you’ll complete anything like this; figuring that keeping busy will be a sensible step. Keeping busy in the heat however requires you to drink. Your poor stomach.

This puzzle piece is a lot more challenging that you thought, so much so you begin to wonder if it actually belongs here. Or is it a rogue piece? Still persist you will. Let’s try again, this time though let’s try and see if it’ll fit after talking, some thinking and making a plan. After all if you plan for any eventuality then it has to work. Right?

A plan, reassurance, and a little boost of confidence and look at that. That little puzzle piece slotted straight in its place. The churning feeling in your stomach eased, and those shaking hands? They’ve settled too. What was it about that piece that made it so hard?

Now onto the next piece, do you think two pieces in a day? Should you do it? After the success of the other piece the motivation and energy to attempt another piece is brimming, and so you go for it.

The next one is a tricky piece, it has lots of notches on it, and you need to make sure they all line up to make it work in your puzzle. This looks like a scary piece to fit, so you better get it over with. Fear can make pieces seem harder than they need to be, like a shadow in the dark. Once the light shines on them though the reality is they are small and harmless. It is just one piece, how much damage can it cause?

Turn and twist, can it work? Looks like it should. But wait hold on, what’s that? Just as you thought you had it, and extra notch appeared. Another hurdle to overcome, another challenge, another set of obstacles. This isn’t where it belongs after all. The frustration builds up, the tiredness sets in. The determination to get this right despite extra hurdles starts to build inside. So you keep going.

Careful now as you prise it out of that space, you don’t want to……. oh you did it. You shouldn’t have pulled it so hard, or got so angry with it. Now look what’s happened.

How many pieces came out with it?

How far back did you fall this time?

As the day comes to an end you pick up the pieces that fell. Are you picking them up alone? You don’t have too. Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes. What would happen if you asked for someone to help collect those pieces that fell? What can you do to prepare for another day tomorrow?

This is the advantage of a new day, each day is a new opportunity to face the puzzle again, to try again and have another go. To not give up and to hold on. You are not alone. Have hope and believe in yourself that any puzzle can be completed no matter how many times the pieces fall to the ground.

365 Days, it’s not ‘just a year’

This blog is slightly different to all the others I’ve written, this is a snippet of why hope is so important to me, why I refuse to let go and most of all why I still keep going. This is a small glimpse into my story, and why I refuse to quit on hope.

365 days ago I found myself experiencing the worst day I can honestly say I have ever had in my life. Up until that day I think I had convinced myself that every day had been the worst day, but nothing compares to the pain of this one.

You see 365 days ago, at 4pm, I lost the most precious things that belong to me. The reasons I kept going, the motivation to wake up every day and put that smile on my face. Even though I knew that smile was getting harder to put on every morning , I knew deep down I had to keep trying. I couldn’t give up. I had four reasons to not give up.

On this day I lost it all, I started the day with everyone around me, at the end of my arm, in eyesight, hearing every sound that was made.

I ended the day alone, with no one to reach out too, staring into darkness, with nothing but the sound of my sobs echoing around me.

The longest 24 hours in the world followed, not knowing if I was awake or asleep and simply having a nightmare. Would there have actually been any difference? The emptiness of my heart reminding me with every breath that this was in fact reality.

The pain I felt over those first few days and weeks was like nothing I had ever experienced before, and nothing I ever want to feel again. The image of a heart shattering is literally what it felt like inside of my chest, only it was stuck on a loop, so that every time I thought I was getting a break, ‘BAM’ there it was all over again.

The only thing that kept me going was knowing I needed to fight to get everything back to normal. I had to have some hope that it would get better. That day I sat and cried, and I cried hard. Those were some of the most painful tears ever, the realisation of not just who I had lost, but what I had lost too. The time, the memories, the firsts, the lasts, those special days I could never get back.

The first time I realised that I might be able to survive this fight I saw the brightest rainbow I’d ever seen. It was the first time I stepped into their bedrooms after they had gone, the sun was shining through the windows at such an angle it created a beautiful rainbow across their beds. A smile appeared on my face, then by some sort of strange coincidence I started to notice rainbows everywhere.

Having this small symbol of hope, that to me signified what it was that I was fighting for, that constant reminder was what I needed, and is what I still need today.

Holding on to something that I could find anywhere I went, or take with me which I could look at as and when I needed it was so important. It gave me strength at the times when I needed it the most. It reminded me of how far I had travelled on my journey so far, and most of all it was reminding me of where I was going.

For you see, what I am fighting for isn’t over, I have four rainbows of hope that I lost on that day. I can’t stop fighting till I get them all back. This is why hope is so important to me, without that hope the motivation would fade out. The willingness to keep going despite bumps, setbacks, hurdles, even pandemics would simply dwindle down to nothing.

Over the last 365 days not every day has been full of positivity, and strength. It isn’t all about being super strong and courageous a hundred and ten percent of the time. It is however having hope that even the bad days will pass by, they will become less frequent, and they will become easier to manage.

It is about recognising that among the tears and heartbreak there has to be a small amount of hope that you need to hold on too, and it isn’t easy to start with. Without that hope the days become longer than you’ve ever known, the nights become darkest than the deepest caves known to mankind, before you know it you’re stuck. Like I was, searching for that glimmer of hope.

Once I found that chance to grab onto my lifeline, my fight, my symbol of hope. I have refused to let go. Like anything that you hold onto for a long while, your grip inevitably weakens at times. This happens to me too, and I lose vision of my preferred goal, my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s ok though, to lose your grip, it’s ok to slow down, it’s ok to take smaller steps, heck, it’s ok to step back if you need to.

All these lessons are ones I have learned along the way. Some have been very interesting and that I will save for another day!

365 days when each day feels like forever, and every night goes on for eternity, is not ‘just a year.’ 365 days when you miss first days of school, Christmas, birthdays, Easter, GCSE results day, Prom day, sports day, parents evening, is not ‘just a year.’ To be told to wait 4 more weeks. To not worry and not be upset because it’s ‘just 4 weeks, you’ve got through the last few months’ is one of the hardest things to hear when 4 more weeks goes by at snail pace. When the only way you can say goodnight is by sending a text. Or when your biggest fear is that at the end of that 4 weeks you’ll hear ‘it’s just another few weeks.’

Each one of those days are missed memories, missed hugs, missed ‘I Love You’s’ and missed celebrations. It’s down to you to decide if it’s a day of missed opportunity.

For me, today, on day 365 of this fight! I will say this.

I am still fighting, my hope is in my rainbows.

Every fight is worth fighting for, hold on to hope with everything you have, even if it is just your little toe! The rest of you will follow.

My message to anyone who is going through an experience similar to this is to keep dragging yourself out of bed every morning. On those days when you don’t want to, those are the days to try the hardest of all. That hope to find your fight unfortunately isn’t going to be tucked up in that bed of yours. You will only find it if you believe you deserve it, and you do!

If you know of someone who needs that hope, passing by them thinking that they will ‘get over it’ may work for you, but if you were the one needing someone what would you be silently asking for? Not everyone reaches out, a broken heart, a broken family, breaks ties. Broken ties sometimes means others need to reach in to offer help rather than people reaching out.

Once strong enough stories can be told, be shared, hope given, then strength from living nightmares can be gained.

Those people who fall into the deepest holes find a way out, with the help of some butterflies and a rainbow or two showing the way.

365 days of missed goodnight kisses, of hugs, all in one image. Hold On Pain Ends.

It isn’t easy.

When you hear on repeat ‘why didn’t you’ and ‘why don’t you just’ questions. Constantly going over in your own head questioning yourself about about how easy things are to do. Why doesn’t anyone understand that it isn’t that easy after all.

‘Why didn’t you see what was happening years ago?’ Well I did, I didn’t mean to ignore it or push it aside. I genuinely didn’t think it was anything that bad. Why would I? There were many more important things to worry about. Things that were way more stressful that were happening at the time. Something as silly as this was the least of my concerns.

Who was I to decide it was wrong anyway, it wasn’t my place, it wasn’t my decision. Who was I to even consider taken my newborn away from his family, our first baby. We had our own family now, I could fix it, this was our missing puzzle piece, it could only get better. This was every girls dream after all, the Prince who swept me of my feet, our own baby. The home and a life of our own. I would have been stupid to throw that away, wouldn’t I?

‘Why didn’t you leave sooner?’ The amount of times I said we are leaving can’t be counted, there are too many. Every time it was said, well, things got better, there was a glimmer of happiness, of peace and calm. When I did eventually leave, what can I say. It was torture. Each time got harder and harder. I was killing him, it was destroying the family, I wouldn’t cope, I was making things worse.

The begging for forgiveness, the asking for another chance, the demands for fairness, for being treated equal to others. Every possible suggestion for another chance asked, every opportunity to beg, plead, grovel. The only peace was to accept it and try again.

When I am so tired of leaning on people for help, I look in mirror and stare blankly into the reflection. ‘Why can’t you just be happy?’ I tell myself repeatedly, till this day I still don’t have an answer. Feeling like a complete burden I pick myself up and carry on, putting a broken mask on hoping it won’t crack as another day moves in. Making sure the smile sits just right, saying the right words and locking the tears away until night falls and the doors are locked.

‘You can’t give up’

‘Stop looking backwards, you have to look forwards’

If all this sounds all so familiar, I hear you. You are not alone. These confusing feelings, emotions are all too real at times, and can be so overwhelming. Please remember it is ok slow down. Take things at your pace. No one knows how ready we are to take the next step other than ourselves, so don’t run ahead if you’re not ready. People will understand, and if that next step seems to far ahead, take half a step. Stay focused enough in front if you can. That would be amazing though.

The cracks on the mask heal, it’s true what they say when they say time heals. Time doesn’t take away memories. Looking forwards helps, it keeps the focus in the right direction. Asking ‘why didn’t you leave sooner’ is the most pointless question to ask anyone who has left a difficult situation. Ask them ‘what gave you the strength the leave then?’ You’ll get a much better answer.

Like anything that is healing, it takes time. When we break a bone we get a cast put on it to keep it stable, or we end up with stitches to help a wound heal. When it’s our emotions and mind that need healing we need time, and friends for support, to hold the edges together long enough to stop them falling apart.

This support is the hardest to ask for, but the moment it’s in place the strength, courage, ability to stand strong grows immensely. So when you think you are on your own, think about how you will support yourself and what you need. What can be done to help get that ‘plaster cast’ around you to help you get stronger.

It isn’t easy, but you can do it. We all can with belief and hope.

Belief and hope, reach out for your rainbow 🦋🌈🦋

On the edge.

Sometimes, despite all of our best efforts, circumstances can just push us. However knowing where to look, how to balance that moment when you’re feeling ‘on the edge’ can be an important way of managing everything that life throws at us. It isn’t easy, but you can do it!

Standing still, very very still, trying not to fall. One more little gust of wind will do it I am sure. A little breeze, a small shiver down my spine. What if I sneeze?

How did I get here? I wasn’t here when I woke, I was quite far inland. I’m here now though, I gradually made my way here through the day.

Every step down the path took me here, I didn’t want to come here, it was not my choice. This is not a nice place to be. The only thing good about being here are the butterflies. They are so pretty and and fly in their hundreds. The pretty colours never look sad, they always seem to stay above me too.

There is this path in front of me, it doesn’t seem like the nicest one to walk along, it’s full of potholes, and rocks that trip you over. Every time you think you’re doing something good something else is there to surprise you. It seems like this path has a mind of its own. It literally pushes and pulls you along. The more you fight it the quicker you get here, to the edge.

I’ve been along this path so many times, you would think by now I’d know how to get away from it. I don’t, not yet. But if I watch the butterflies I’m hoping they will show me the way. They are always there, sometimes they lift me up if I get too close to the edge, they stop me falling. Sometimes, if I stumble too far they catch me. Can you see them too?

There aren’t many flying today, it’s cold and dark today, that path was really tough on my knees today, I tripped so many times. More than normal. If I stand really still maybe I will see more will fly in, and hopefully nothing else will push me closer.

I don’t want to fall today, I’m still broken from the last time I fell.

I need to make sure I don’t fall over the edge. Or at least be sure there are enough butterflies to catch me when I fall.

A little update and a smile.

It is a new month. For some this may mean a new target, a new goal, a new something.

Nope! I am going to keep plodding along if that’s ok with you? Who’s with me? (to be honest if it isn’t ok, I am plodding anyway) In a slightly strange time at the moment I am not attempting to take on the world, I am quite happy at tackling my bed sheets (seriously though, anyone else finding changing those like a miniature workout these days!) Anyway, its a new month, this means another month to be YOU!

UPDATES!!!! There is a website update. WOO HOO, now don’t all celebrate at once. Really please, one at a time. The mindfulness page is up, and content is starting to go up. Little by little it will get more interesting, and interactive. I don’t want to overwhelm people.

The quotes that some of you may have seen appearing on my facebook page and twitter page are now available on here. I may not have got the settings quite right so if they are not making themselves big enough to read I am hoping someone will let me know (please) and I will get it sorted somehow.

Other updates, Some exciting writing coming your way, so stay tuned. The purpose of this space is beginning to develop, having met some AMAZING ladies the other week I have been left with lots of inspiration and too many thought processes at times. This is where the mindfulness page came in handy.

Butterflies with Rainbows is 4 weeks old today. So THANK YOU for 4 weeks of kindness, support, encouragement and most of all HOPE and for BELIEVING in this as much as I do. You are all AMAZING. Keep going, stay strong, and remembering that if all you have managed is those bedsheets, that a huge achievement today.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com