I try to keep this website as real as possible. In order to do that it is important to understand that not every day is good. Not every day following weeks/months/years of mental torture is day full of smiles, and positivity. Sometimes it is more than a day. These slums can last days, sometimes a week or so. They are exhausting, but they are the reality of life. This is the life I have to live and manage on a daily basis, as hard as it is there are times when I want to say enough. There are days when I am great, and confident enough to shout from the rooftops. Although the slums are what many people struggle with. Over time there are ways to light the way out of them, they become easier to come out of, which is why now I can share this.
“I’m done fighting, fighting with everyone around me to be heard, fighting with the people who care because I want to be understood, fighting with myself because I don’t want to be the person I am. I have no strength left to fight these battles anymore, someone needs to hear me now.”
This is something I’m finding myself saying more and more these days. Despite using all the techniques and coping strategies I have been taught through the numerous therapy sessions I have attended I can’t understand why I am finding myself saying this.
“What do you need?” Is something that I get asked quite frequently and the only answer I can give is “I don’t actually think I know.” When the reality is, I do. I need time, and patience. Someone who is able to sit with me without a time restriction, who can just listen and help figure out the spaghetti junction of words, feelings and emotions that have tangled themselves up in my head. Someone who can just sit there and hold me while the tears fall and not feel uncomfortable, or the need to try and ‘fix’ them. Just to understand that they need to fall at that moment. The need to be held, comforted, and feel not completely alone at that moment, that despite the words ‘you are not alone’ being heard, for someone to understand that the feeling of loneliness outweighs those words on a daily basis.
The true facts are though, this isn’t a reality that can happen. I do actually understand that, despite the understanding being there doesn’t mean my head can accept it. Unfortunately for me my head still says, ‘I’m not ok, why can’t anyone see that?’ This then gets followed up with ‘why am I bothering if no one else is?’ Yet the truth is, I know people are bothered. I’d give anything for someone to truly understand what is going on in my head. So that then I might begin to understand it better. At the same time, I wouldn’t wish anyone to experience it, because it is scary and lonely. There is no happy medium here.
So why am I feeling like I have no fight anymore? Why are these feelings all coming flooding back like a tsunami when on the outside I am so close the end of one step of this journey? Fear? Is it the fear that it’ll all get taken away again? Maybe. Fear that I’ll be more alone? Maybe. Fear that if it goes wrong again this time it will be all on me? Maybe. Fear that I have been fighting all this time for the wrong reasons? Maybe. Fear of being forced to live this life when there’s still part of me that doesn’t want to? Maybe. Fear is a big part.
Exhaustion? Mentally exhausted from all the realisations of how much the last few years have damaged everyone. The exhaustion from trying to please every single person around me all the time. The exhaustion from trying to figure out who I am and the realisation that I still don’t understand, and will disappoint those I’ve learnt to care about? Not to mention the physical exhaustion of trying to create this person, to be the person I want to be, to do the right things, to push back the bad person I really am and develop this nice person I want people to see. The physical burnout from forcing myself to be at all the places I need to be and make sure I am mentally present despite knowing I need to take some time away.
When everyday becomes a constant battle, a constant fight, and then a constant reminder of a life that was, it becomes a constant nightmare that never ends. It chips away at the reflection and before long that’s all I am able to see in the mirror. A nightmare, that has nothing left, that knows what she needs but knows she needs to find an alternative before she gives in.
But when the cracks seem too wide, and it feels like the reflection is falling into them, quicker than any alternative can be found.
So, what do I do? What can be done to beat this, to close the cracks before it’s too late? To re-establish that level of control which will allow the functionality of everyday life. To allow myself to be able to turn that phrase around from “no fight” to “willing to fight” and stand up long enough to say it out loud.
Well first things first, I do what I do best. I write, write down the things that are going well. It isn’t always nothing, it is a case of stopping and thinking hard. Ultimately when I am writing I will eventually get to the point when I write “I am still here fighting.” See the hypocrisy there?
Every slum comes to an end, eventually. That I do know. Managing it, figuring it out, I haven’t quite solved yet. One day I might have a better understanding, in the meantime I rely on hope, virtual hugs from those that do care, my reliant on being able to write (even badly) and a cosy blanket.
Asking myself one question, “If you heard about someone else dealing with all you are, what do you imagine you would think of them?”
You see, the bad days do happen to everyone. They can creep up when we least expect it, or they can begin to build over a while. They happen because they are part of every single person’s life. No one on this planet has a good day every single day. There are parts that don’t go to plan, that don’t resolve the way you wanted. That change your future and turn your world upside down. The realisation comes when you learn how to refocus, grow, and learn from these changes. Hope is a powerful thing, and the hope that when these low days happen that you have the strength, motivation and will power to keep getting up and to keep moving forward. Even if it is at a slower pace than other days.