A blank canvas for new memories.

So it has been quite a while since we have had a chat hasn’t it?  How are you doing these days?  There have been many changes in the Butterflies with Rainbows household. The changes over the last couple of years has been a huge learning curve for me as an adult.  

The past few years have tested us in ways we never expected.  There have been many a curveball thrown with zero notice or preparation, despite at times thinking that there was no hope there was a surprise.  Through the chaos, heartbreak and rebuilding a truly magical thing happened.  We grew, we healed, and now we stand together stronger, more independent and much happier than we have been in a very long time.  

Parenting is never easy, even in the best of times. However when life is in turmoil, it becomes a whole different experience.  There have been so many occasions when I have questioned myself.  Am I doing enough?  Am I being enough?  Am I enough full stop.  The weight of the world on my shoulders, emotionally drained, with the knowledge that I have had to hold it all together for my children.  My inner strength could be seen every time I looked into their eyes, I began to realise that children have the magical ability to reflect back all the love, effort, and commitment that they receive.  This was even more magical on the days when I felt I had nothing left to give, the love they showed would ease the anxieties until I had recharged both physically and mentally.

“I am a parent, I am a person with hopes, dreams, and a right to peace.”

@butterflieswithrainbows

It hasn’t all been smooth sailing, some days were a celebration just to have made it through the day, but looking back, I now see how those days built resilience in us all.  Our bond has grown and deepened, because we didn’t just survive, we grew together as a family.

Learning to be independent, face my fears, and take on the responsibilities of life that used to feel so overwhelming now are part of every day life.  Slowly I have begun to trust myself, one day at a time.  I learnt that we were going to be ok, not because I wanted or needed to prove anything, but because we deserve to be ok.  Independence isn’t about doing things alone, it is about believing in your own worth, your own voice and your ability to shape your life.  We are getting used to our new family dynamics, and although there are days where it still hits hard that things are very different, they are ok.  There is a quote from the Disney Movie Lilo and Stitch, and it goes like this.

​“This is my family, I found it on my own, its little, and broken.  But its still good, yeah still good”.

Talking of family dynamics, ours has been changing so much.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure if anywhere would feel like home, however I have learnt that home is wherever we are.  So long as we have smiles, and some fun, that familial feeling can be taken wherever we are.

The hardest part to talk about is probably the most important, recovering from domestic abuse.  This recovery is not a linear process.  It is layered and it is painful.  It doesn’t end when the relationship ends.  For a long time, I carried the shame, fear and a sense of brokenness, but I have slowly begun to rebuild, one piece at a time.

With the help of a lot of therapy, support from loved ones, and an unrelenting desire (also read as stubbornness) to reclaim my life, I started to heal. I learned that what happened to me does not define me. I am not what I endured—I am only the person I am today because of all I have been through. I am a survivor. I am a parent. I am a person with hopes, dreams, and a right to peace.

“We grew, we healed, and now we stand together”

@butterflieswithrainbows

Somewhere along the way, joy started to creep back in. Not the loud, showy kind, but the quiet kind. The kind that finds you on an ordinary day when your child laughs uncontrollably, or when you look around your home and realize it’s filled with warmth and safety. The kind that lets you breathe deeply, finally free.

There are still challenges. Life is never completely smooth. But now, we face each day with a sense of purpose, clarity, and gratitude. The storms we walked through didn’t break us—they shaped us.

There are so many others going through similar situations, my message to all is that your strength is not in your ability to avoid pain, but in your courage to heal from it. There is peace on the other side, so keep going and don’t give up.

We are here. We are whole. And we are happy.